Monday, June 2, 2008

Nesting.

The last two days I have spent countless hours choosing new templates for my blogs. It didn't actually take all that long for me to pick the one for this blog, but the adoption blog...

When I've been pregnant I've never really been much of a nester. There were a couple times where Anthony would come home and I would be painting the bathroom or standing on a ladder in our closet moving boxes, but really for the most part I didn't do much. Actually I always kinda wanted to, simply because my house could have used a good cleaning! But with this adoption, I am really struggling. First of all, there was the whole knitting episode where I spent a good week or two desperately trying to knit a blanket or a toy for Nathan. I can't even begin to tell you how many projects I started and never finished. Nothing was right and I desperately needed something to be. Then there is the little box of clothes and toys that I have bought him. It is only a couple of things, but I just couldn't help it. You see, I need something tangible. When I have been pregnant, I have felt ever kick and roll. I have watched my body change. I have propped my feet up to try and ease the buring...I have had plenty tangible. But things are different when you adopt. It's all so abstract. There were papers (tangible) and I was obsessed about each one being perfect, but other than that...I just feel like if I didn't talk about it, this adoption would cease to exist.

Then there is the whole issue of closure. You see, when I'm pregnant there is this definite end in site. I've clung to the knowledge that inevitably that baby has to come out. And even though my girls each stayed in there as long as possible, in the end, they each came out. But with this, there is a chance we won't even be approved. And then what? It's like going through an emotional pregnancy, but not knowing if you will even end up with a baby.

So, I need things that are tangible...the template is just a little stripe pattern and it took me hours to find.